Thin Vs. Curvy

Someone posted this:

“Why I like being fat and ugly
Skinny, beautiful people just exist, they don’t really try hard and theyre usually dead bland because alot of things are just given to them. They don’t have to develop a personality because theyre given friends automatically because of the way they look. Like I’m glad because I developed a sense of humour and I definitely wouldn’t be the person I am today because I kind of like myself and I know my friends like me for my personality and not just because I’m good looking.”





And I have to disagree with that.

I use to be skinny and I wasn’t dead or bland. I did a lot of things. I wrote poetry, I recited at a poetry slam, I did graphic design, created a website, got published in a magazine. Everything I got was because I had to work hard for it. I did not have ANYTHING just handed over to me. I had a lot of personality, and was just as quirky then as I am now. I laughed a lot. I had fun. I had a lot of things to say. I certainly was not automatically given friends because of the way I looked. I actually had few friends, just about two or three close ones. I was very ambitious with a lot of goals and always working on one project or another, always writing down new ideas.

Yeah, I was a size zero, and no my ribs were not showing, nor was my spinal cord (I actually have a curve to my back) I had a shape despite being thin. I’m pretty irritated when people say that ‘Real women have curves’ The truth is, some girls like me are just naturally skinny. I hated my skinny arms, and had and extremely difficult time gaining weight despite how much I ate (all the time - I love food). It’s wonderful to feel good about yourself, but you don’t have to put down skinny women in the process.

There are girls out there who are just naturally thin, and don’t try to be that way. Are they not beautiful too? What about the sporty girl that doesn’t have much curves, the late bloomers? Are they not real women? Of course they are. Instead of convincing the world that real women have curves, or skinny is better, why don’t you find what looks best on YOU. Some girls look better and are healthier thin, some are better and healthier with curves. It’s all a personal choice, and as long as you love yourself and are confident, and aren’t stressing yourself, or trying really hard to look one way or the other, that is what’s important.

I was a beautiful girl when I was thin, and I am just as beautiful now with a more average weight.

Celebrate ALL the sizes. There are many different kinds of beauty. But they are all BEAUTIFUL.

"It Sure is Exhausting Livin' in Chains"

I was sure that once I was off the meds, everything would come flooding back to me. Like feelings for a long lost lover I just ran into after ten years of us being apart. Everything would just pick up where it left off, and it'd all be pizzas and blowjobs.

I was wrong.

Everything is exactly the same. There's no sudden bursts of inspiration. No brilliant ideas at three in the morning. Maybe I haven't given it enough time. My thoughts are consumed. Consumed with objects . Consumed with obsessions on new phones that kick my current phone's ass. You know; dumb, pointless shit. I've always been insightful. I can't help but feel kidnapped. Like my soul was robbed of its true self. And I know I've got soul because I just feel so cloudy lately. Not like when you have a cold. This is different. This is worse. I'd call it death, but I'm pretty sure death feels just like home, the way you feel when you're falling asleep. This is... torture.

You're in this really gorgeous place. A place you always wanted to go. Maybe it's France, maybe it's Rome. Maybe it's a place that doesn't even exist. The point is, you're there. Only you can't see it. You feel it. You hear it. But you can't see it. So you can't make you're way around, you can't enjoy it. Can't get the full experience. Why can't you see it? There's thick fog everywhere. And it's only there for you. It's only in your way. Now I have a question for you: How the fuck do you get rid of it?

I can't breathe. I do what I love. What I'm good at, what I'm passionate about. And it just isn't the same. I'm not in there 100% and so the outcome is just empty. I'm always looking forward to something. And it just seems that when the day finally arrives, the excitement lasts significantly less than all the waiting did. I'm sure there's something wrong with that. I do what I tell others to do; find the little things that make you happy, make you feel like a kid again. For me that's lollipops, long baths, being alone and talking to myself. How much of that do I need to do before it makes a difference?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad at all. I'm just sort of numb. You know when they numb you at the dentist, or the hospital, and they do what they gotta do? You feel it, but it doesn't hurt. That's what I'm talking about. I'm dragging my feet through life like I got weights on my ankles, because frankly, not feeling anything is exhausting. When something I've been waiting for happens, my brain says "Be happy! Get excited!" the message doesn't really get through. I don't feel that skip in my heart, that flutter in my stomach, that rush in my veins. I'm kinda reading a book about a character I don't really care about.

Maybe I'm having trouble processing reality. Maybe it just doesn't hit me. But I know I'm capable. I know it because the one time it does hit me is when it comes to love. That, I feel full force. Love, I get high off of. So I can feel. Just not when it comes to my own self. Do I not think I'm important?

I refuse to believe I need pills! I functioned perfectly fine before them. And I was a cutter, but I wasn't the type of cutter who did it to feel real. I did it because I felt way too much emotion. Ah, and now I don't feel enough. Ironic. I ask myself, "are you satisfied? Is this what you wanted?"
What I'd give to feel again.

Maybe I need yoga.

To be (insane) or not to be? That is the question.

I told you I have a cycle. And in that cycle I go through phases. So what phase am I in now? I'm in the one where I take a step back and really look at my life. How it's going, what I'm doing with it, asking myself if I'm satisfied or happy.

I have to say, honestly, no, I'm not satisfied. I'm not happy. I'm not even entirely myself. Sure with my meds my anger has gone way way down. But what about everything else? I never had anxiety so bad in my life before. Yeah I was always morbidly afraid of death. And I even believed that in the black space of my apartment at night there were ghosts lingering. But never did I think the train was going to tip over, or that a drunk driver would come from nowhere and run into me. I wasn't afraid someone would blow the subway up or that a plane would spontaneously fall onto my building. Life was manageable, I think. I know my coping wasn't the best. I've got scars that I had to explain to my boyfriend when we were still getting to know each other. And probably one day I'll have to explain them to my children. How am I going to do that?

I use to be an angry girl, yes. I hurt my cat. I broke everything around me. I hurt myself. I turned red, and screamed 'till it hurt. But I had something. I had creativity. There's a quote that says creativity is a mental illness. Aren't all the creative geniuses at least a little mad? I use to write poetry a couple of times a week. I use to come up with these ideas, and create things. I made up a board game, I wrote short stories, and I even started on a novel at one point. I had a happy place. My own LaLa land. I haven't written a poem since I've been on meds. I haven't created anything, and my LaLa land is just not as vivid as it used to be. I use to love the rush as the train passed by me. I liked to feel the wind. It gave me adrenaline. I use to wake up at 9AM and be out of my house by 1. If it was 3:00 and I was still home, it felt like my whole day was over. Summers of drinking quarter waters, sitting on the steps with my best friend and clowning around, screaming, not giving a damn about how anyone perceived me. That was the LIFE.

I know - I just know - It's the meds. Prozac, Seroquel, Depakote, Lexapro, Welbutrin, Abilify, they've all silenced me. Sucked out all the creative juices and dried them up. I know. I know, just get off the meds, right? Not so fast buddy. I mentioned to my psychiatrist that I wanted to get off, and she said "No. Absolutely not. That's out of the question. No." So I have this little plan; I'm weaning myself off dear old Lexa little by little. I complained enough about Abilify (it silenced the voices but I was having panic attacks every time I boarded the subway) that she took me off of it. So it's just me and fifty mg's of Lex. (That's because I've cut 'em in half with my trusty dusty pill cutter) I should be cutting that fifty in half soon, taking it for another month, until finally I'm taking nothing. If my psychiatrist finds out, she will have me committed.

No more shivering on the train out of fear, no more throwing on just any outfit (I use to put myself together VERY nicely down to the rings, earrings, and cute little belts. My hair had to match the outfit too, or it was all screwed up). No more fucking waking up at four in the afternoon and doing literally nothing all day long.

I have to take back my life. I'd rather be insane and happy than subdued and sleeping all day long, getting nothing done, hating myself, and pretty much not living. I want to go out and look at something incredible and rush home to create my own little masterpiece. I want to have Ideas flowing through my mind knocking so loud that I can't sleep, that I just have to turn on the light and write out the entire plan. I fucking miss that, you know? I'm fully prepared to deal with the down side - new symptoms like hearing shit that's not there, and fighting the temptation to cut, to smoke. All that other stuff. I'm willing to just learn how to live with it, isn't that why I'm in therapy?

People in my life think because I'm tiny and don't make any sense that they have to take over for me and make decisions for me. But I'm perfectly capable. I know when I need help, I know when to ask for that help. No, if I ever want to move out of mami's house and raise a family, I've got to start taking control right now.

It's your life, kid. What are you gonna do?

Not an Obituary

Why did he do it?

I hate him for it.

Maybe that makes me horrible, but I do.  I am so pissed at him.

To Whom It May Concern:

Blinded eyes swimming in a sea black as tar
No reason to turn when you're left in the dark
As the prophecy states, you will pay for the sins of those before you
Creul and unusual, I know
What once filled you up was stolen in the blink of an eye. Maybe faster.
It's hollow to say the least
And dart after dart piercing where there's still feeling left
Happiness is fleeting
A mere fish hook
The Devil's bait
How it enslaves you
A lush for sweet sweet poison
Far worse than the damage crank would cause
Pure, love is, 'till they breathe their bitter rancid breath on it
Like new fallen snow violated by feet.
Inevitable
Forever does not exist for us
To 'be' dead
Impossible
Can't 'be' anything if you're extinct.
And what is instinct for if we cannot escape death?
We're not here for a reason. We're just here. And then we expire.
Karma.
Yet another lie.
Bad is bound to happen.
Happiness is fleeting
for it disturbs the natural order of things.
Happiness is fleeting
And life is a
joke

Don't Go

Helplessly screamed out for the reasons of such
torture
Begging that it wasn't time

But she couldn't hear the cries through the noise of the crimson
waterfall

And the sharpness of the pitch black room mocked her
while she held out a small light
to focus on the task at hand

The sound of the Earth spinning on its axis
becomes amplified
She finally hears and recognizes the voice
yelling
'NO!' is her own soul

But by then
The light is out

Vacant

It should come as no surprise
I never said forever
And you made no promises

It was short lived, so I guess I'm

Overreacting
But then again
Isn't that was girls do?

We were both nervous, despite the
comfort
we had in sharing personal information
But I went in with hopes that I finally got it right
And you went in with caution, so as not to repeat past outcomes
It was a risk for both of us

Those days are gone;
feeling giddy
The random public smiles at the thought of you
Did you ever get those?

This situation wasn't so black and white
I attempt to accept the terms.
And I don't bother speaking to you
That would be pointless, since I know what your response will be

And as far as your lack of something to say
I hear you loud and clear

Coming Of Age

At night when you cry
Making sure you're quiet
So you don't have to tell anyone why
Think of me
When you're walking down the street
Phone in one hand, mp3 in the other
'cause you wouldn't know where to put your hands
When your eyes stare blankly ahead
Burning as your peers come into view
Remember I've been there
I made it
And you will too

Gone

You looked
An awful lot like me
But I couldn't ask you
I could only
Hit you
The world became
Animated.
I was outside myself
Millions of blades beneath my skin threatened to knock me over
Not quite killing me, as, that was my job
And closing my eyes, coming into you
Did not help, but only elevated the feeling.
That is when I called upon someone
I did not believe in

But of course that wouldn't work
This was punishment for what I'd done
Though every pull was like candy
Every breath I drew in to make sure
It really got up to my brain
And when I held the Roach
Pulling in more for each deadly sin
Lust
Envy
Pride
Wrath
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth

You just watched
Because as inexperienced as i was
I insisted I could handle it

Through the doom I felt
I was dying
And my tongue
Not moving fast enough
I tried
High as I was
To Justify
Unjustifiable things
Because that's what you do

You Stuck with me
Till the doom drifted off
Till it started feeling good
And yeah
I'd do it again

Was it a dream?

I guess i never gave myself time to grieve
'cause when it happened it happened so unexpectedly
It wasn't real it couldn't be
so I had to laugh it off
there was no way this wasn't all just a dream
cause I remember clear as day
the way you took my breathe away
and just like that you were gone this wasn't part of the plan
silly me believing it meant something when you squeezed my hand
you gave me more than butterflies you gave me full attacks
my mind was gone, my heart was yours and my body rejected love
but i didn't care I needed to be a part of
you and your world, and your story
and mostly i needed for you to need me
i knew that no one could make you happy
the way I could
and I hope she knows shes lucky
cause now I'm a mess
so shocked not one tear
seems like i don't care
but if you only knew
what it feels like to have the wind knocked out of you....

It's About Time

Started out friends 'cause we shared the same enemy
Thought that you were being such a great friend to me
It was us against the world and we had a blast
Always said if the cops came, we would be too fast
Never had a chance to test it though, all that's in the past
I decided I didn't want that life anymore
You decided I was a bad friend and walked out the door

The enemy is defeated now, so we've grown apart
Nothing left to say, but I'll keep you in my heart

It's about time I get independent and stand on my own two
Stop bein frustrated you'll never understand what it's like to be in my shoes
It's about time I go and do my own thing
Open up my eyes more, you never know what life will bring

You bring out the part of me that you most despise
Made me think I was the wrong one so I hid in a disguise
Well all the times you left me alone, I'd look up at the sky
Talking to God trying to figure out 'whats wrong with this guy?'
'cause In the back of my mind, knew it couldn't have been me
I gave us my all, always wanted you to be happy
Tried to make you understand, but all you did is call me crazy
Sometimes I wanna be like you, walk around like nothing can faze me

The end of us is so much different than the start
Nothing left to say now, But I'll keep you in my heart

It's about time I get independent and stand on my own two
Stop bein frustrated you'll never understand what it's like to be in my shoes
It's about time I go and do my own thing
Open up my eyes more, you never know what life will bring

All the mistakes I've made as I've gotten older
And all I got was the world on my shoulders
So I'm taking a load off and I'm starting to move on
All the chances life gave me, don't want them all gone
So I'm using this one for real and I got my head straight
Doing what I never thought I could, creating my own fate

And it's about time...

There Was Silence

(Every girl is born in a pure white dress it's called innocence)
Her lips quiver. And her eyes grow teary
Head now aching, trying to shake the memory
She's feeling overwhelmed by a river of emotions
Hitting so hard, it's more like an explosion
She was stubborn, ain't wanna be walked, wanted to be on her own
'Till she realized independence made her feel so alone
All of a sudden, she felt someone grab her by the hair
It was a monstrous octopus hands flying everywhere
Violating her, tattering her white gown
Forever turning the angels precious smile into a frown
It was happening right in the middle of town
Though the streets were full it seemed no one was around
What was going on, it all started so fast
Inside her head, girl prayed it wouldn't last
Even after it was over, she knew she had to say something
She opened her mouth to speak -
But there was nothing

This is Me

I be the girl with the cocky model - like swagger
Look through the corner of my eyes you mistake it for a dagger
Won't let you in my biz, you confuse it with deceit
Bow legged stance, confidence you mix with conceit
Chandeliers hanging from my ears in addition to the things I've listed
You don't know me, don't judge me, and don't get it twisted

It seems that nowadays
the sidewalks are my runways
People here to criticize
Never caring what's behind my eyes
They only know what they heard
And spread the word, those little birds
What they say makes me look bad
It used to make me so sad
But that was then, though
And now I'm lovin it, so

If the streets is the catwalk so ya'll can stare and judge me
Then I'll strut my stuff gracefully
I'm a drama queen, good or bad, I simply love attention
And just like they say, My name is the one they like to mention

Deadly Sin

That fire That ignites, it burns in my chest
My Heart engulfed in flames, can't put this to rest
It boils up my blood, bubbling through the vein
Can't touch me anymore I've been brought up in pain
The heat being released through furried eyes
Innocence being conquered, no one hears the cries
Finger tips tingle with the urge to react
Everything will explode. Nothing in tact
With nerves melted off, one can no longer feel
Dying from my own demon, I watch my skin peel
Escaping the inside, now burning the shell
Leaving a tortured soul to go off and dwell

Curious

Just to feel his Touch
How does he Taste?
How does he Smell?
How does His heart beat?
His Voice sound?

I must know
Just to Feel him
Hear his Voice
Call my Name

I want to know His story
And I want
Him
To know Mine

I want to give Us
A try
I want to experience
Life With him
I want to know
What it would be like
For our Hearts
To beat in unison

Not This Time

I say yes, you say no
I say stay, so out of spite, you go
For a while I could not figure you out
But now I'm smart, I know what you're all about
Now I want you gone, but you wanna stay
So I'll tell you never leave, and sure enough, you'll walk away
You thought you could fool me but the tables have turned
You should have known sooner or later you would get burned
And you're so foolish, you don't know I'm talking about You
Well I'm just glad you're gone with all the bull I went through

Found Myself (Needing You)

I found myself needing someone to call at around 12 midnight
While Laying on my bed by the window feeling the breeze under the moonlight
I found myself needing someone to spend all my time with when no one else is there
I found myself needing someone to hold me while I cry when no one else cares
I found myself needing to be treated like a queen
Needing you to wrap your arms around me
I found myself needing someone to call my boo
I found myself needing love. I found myself needing you

We been friends for a long time. Always have fun together
Forever coming up with things to do. Even in the worst weather
Remember the time we were cooped up in my house all day
We played video games, and you couldn't get your way;
I won, and you wrestled me. We started to play fight
Then I ate ice cream, and we watched TV for the rest of the night
I could've kissed you then, but I didn't think it would be right
I didn't want to ruin the friendship, 'cause we so tight


Remember the time we walked all the way to the park, stayed there after dark, then it poured rain
I said I liked it, but we couldn't stay, and we ain't have money, so we hopped the train
I always knew I had to tell you, but I didn't know how
I been having these feelings for a while now

Just thought I should let you know how I feel
I know we joked about dating, but this time I'm for real
I don't want to pressure you, just thought you should know
So tell me if I should keep these feelings, or should I let it go
Maybe we should talk about the possibilities of you being my man
I know you must be busy now, so call me when you can.

Best Friends

You ain't even know he existed
Till I said I was into him
He ain't even know your name
Till you made your move and played the game
Now I see him pushing you on the swings
And it's a shame because before everything

You were my best friend
Down to ride till the very end
You were my best girl
I was your diamond, you was my pearl
We were like sisters
Until you stole my mister

I told you how I wanted to be his
Should not have told you any of my biz
'cause now I'm sitting here all alone
Even had to disconnect my phone
Don't even give me that crap on how you liked him before
I really don't wanna hear anymore

You were my best friend
Down to ride till the very end
You were my best girl
I was your diamond,you was my pearl
We were like sisters
Until you stole my mister

I can't believe you did me wrong
Even played him that love sing
I can't believe how I trusted you
And look what you go and do
Now I seen him give you that ring
And it's a shame because before everything

You were my best friend
Down to ride till the very end
You were my best girl
I was your diamond, you was my pearl
We were like sisters
Until you stole my mister

We ain't best friends
No more, that's the end
You betrayed me, girl
Turned out a fake pearl

Don't even give me that crap on how you liked him before
I really don't wanna hear anymore

I'm a diamond in the ruff
Now you crawlin' back, well tough
No longer my best girl
Ima be stronger now
I don't need you anyhow
Now he wants back the ring
You alone, too, but before everything
You were my best friend
Down to ride till the very end
You were my best girl
I was your diamond, you was my pearl
We were like sisters
All until you stole my mister

World War Three

Everybody said you guys are perfect together
On the surface it looked like things couldn't get any better
But you know things with him are either black or white
Either you're laughing it up, or you're in a fight
Things are never just OK between you two
But you're too afraid to tell him that you're through
Afraid that he might go crazy or even stalk you
I mean it's looking like world war three up in your house
It's almost hard to believe he's your spouse
How could you say to me that you in love with that guy?
If he loved you, he wouldn't give you a black eye
If he loved you, he would never try to make you cry
If he loved you, he wouldn't nearly make you die
Or hold you down, and force you to do things
Obcene things, rape you, and later buy you a ring
And you always forgive him. It's not worth the pain
Him scaring you so you won't leave, threatend to slit his vain
Right in your face, he even broke your stuff
Just so he could feel big, bad, and tough
But I'm not putting the blame on you, 'cause I know that it's rough
All the physical, mental, and emotional violence
I know your kids would give anything for just a moment of silence
They even say you get beat and raped, and the cops ain't even bother
I pray to God your son don't end up just like his father

You Don't Know

You don't know my name. You don't know my face
You don't know me. So we will never embrace
Even if you knew of me, it wouldn't happen anyway
You're above my age, you'd never see me in that way
You'd probably see me as a little girl who knows nothing of love
And so I always make a wish when I look above
I must admire you from afar the way other people do
And you may never know how much I really love you