tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33462542700755108532024-02-20T13:22:41.023-08:00Entity.SmokesEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-35888123842666709392010-09-19T13:25:00.000-07:002010-09-19T13:26:15.943-07:00Thin Vs. Curvy<div style="padding-top: 5px; padding-right: 5px; padding-bottom: 5px; padding-left: 5px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; border-left-style: none; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "> Someone posted this:<br /><br />“<span style="font-size: large; "><em><strong>Why I like being fat and ugly</strong></em></span><span style="font-size: larger; "><em></em></span><em></em><br /><em>Skinny, beautiful people just exist, they don’t really try hard and theyre usually dead bland because alot of things are just given to them. They don’t have to develop a personality because theyre given friends automatically because of the way they look. Like I’m glad because I developed a sense of humour and I definitely wouldn’t be the person I am today because I kind of like myself and I know my friends like me for my personality and not just because I’m good looking.”</em><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>And I have to disagree with that.<br /><br />I use to be skinny and I wasn’t dead or bland. I did a lot of things. I wrote poetry, I recited at a poetry slam, I did graphic design, created a website, got published in a magazine. Everything I got was because I had to work hard for it. I did not have ANYTHING just handed over to me. I had a lot of personality, and was just as quirky then as I am now. I laughed a lot. I had fun. I had a lot of things to say. I certainly was not automatically given friends because of the way I looked. I actually had few friends, just about two or three close ones. I was very ambitious with a lot of goals and always working on one project or another, always writing down new ideas.<br /><br />Yeah, I was a size zero, and no my ribs were not showing, nor was my spinal cord (I actually have a curve to my back) I had a shape despite being thin. I’m pretty irritated when people say that ‘Real women have curves’ The truth is, some girls like me are just naturally skinny. I hated my skinny arms, and had and extremely difficult time gaining weight despite how much I ate (all the time - I love food). It’s wonderful to feel good about yourself, but you don’t have to put down skinny women in the process.<br /><br />There are girls out there who are just naturally thin, and don’t try to be that way. Are they not beautiful too? What about the sporty girl that doesn’t have much curves, the late bloomers? Are they not real women? Of course they are. Instead of convincing the world that real women have curves, or skinny is better, why don’t you find what looks best on YOU. Some girls look better and are healthier thin, some are better and healthier with curves. It’s all a personal choice, and as long as you love yourself and are confident, and aren’t stressing yourself, or trying really hard to look one way or the other, that is what’s important.<br /><br />I was a beautiful girl when I was thin, and I am just as beautiful now with a more average weight.<br /><br />Celebrate ALL the sizes. There are many different kinds of beauty. But they are all BEAUTIFUL.</strong></div>Entity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-65279629739073743902010-09-04T12:51:00.001-07:002010-09-04T12:55:48.485-07:00"It Sure is Exhausting Livin' in Chains"I was sure that once I was off the meds, everything would come flooding back to me. Like feelings for a long lost lover I just ran into after ten years of us being apart. Everything would just pick up where it left off, and it'd all be pizzas and blowjobs.<br /><br />I was wrong.<br /><br />Everything is exactly the same. There's no sudden bursts of inspiration. No brilliant ideas at three in the morning. Maybe I haven't given it enough time. My thoughts are consumed. Consumed with objects . Consumed with obsessions on new phones that kick my current phone's ass. You know; dumb, pointless shit. I've always been insightful. I can't help but feel kidnapped. Like my soul was robbed of its true self. And I know I've got soul because I just feel so cloudy lately. Not like when you have a cold. This is different. This is worse. I'd call it death, but I'm pretty sure death feels just like home, the way you feel when you're falling asleep. This is... torture.<br /><br />You're in this really gorgeous place. A place you always wanted to go. Maybe it's France, maybe it's Rome. Maybe it's a place that doesn't even exist. The point is, you're there. Only you can't see it. You feel it. You hear it. But you can't see it. So you can't make you're way around, you can't enjoy it. Can't get the full experience. Why can't you see it? There's thick fog everywhere. And it's only there for you. It's only in your way. Now I have a question for you: How the fuck do you get rid of it?<br /><br />I can't breathe. I do what I love. What I'm good at, what I'm passionate about. And it just isn't the same. I'm not in there 100% and so the outcome is just empty. I'm always looking forward to something. And it just seems that when the day finally arrives, the excitement lasts significantly less than all the waiting did. I'm sure there's something wrong with that. I do what I tell others to do; find the little things that make you happy, make you feel like a kid again. For me that's lollipops, long baths, being alone and talking to myself. How much of that do I need to do before it makes a difference?<br /><br />Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad at all. I'm just sort of numb. You know when they numb you at the dentist, or the hospital, and they do what they gotta do? You feel it, but it doesn't hurt. That's what I'm talking about. I'm dragging my feet through life like I got weights on my ankles, because frankly, not feeling anything is exhausting. When something I've been waiting for happens, my brain says "Be happy! Get excited!" the message doesn't really get through. I don't feel that skip in my heart, that flutter in my stomach, that rush in my veins. I'm kinda reading a book about a character I don't really care about.<br /><br />Maybe I'm having trouble processing reality. Maybe it just doesn't hit me. But I know I'm capable. I know it because the one time it does hit me is when it comes to love. That, I feel full force. Love, I get high off of. So I can feel. Just not when it comes to my own self. Do I not think I'm important?<br /><br />I refuse to believe I need pills! I functioned perfectly fine before them. And I was a cutter, but I wasn't the type of cutter who did it to feel real. I did it because I felt way too much emotion. Ah, and now I don't feel enough. Ironic. I ask myself, "are you satisfied? Is this what you wanted?"<br />What I'd give to feel again.<br /><br />Maybe I need yoga.Entity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-76950497337054565112010-08-15T14:41:00.000-07:002010-08-15T14:42:41.558-07:00To be (insane) or not to be? That is the question.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; "><p style="margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; ">I told you I have a cycle. And in that cycle I go through phases. So what phase am I in now? I'm in the one where I take a step back and really look at my life. How it's going, what I'm doing with it, asking myself if I'm satisfied or happy. </p><p style="margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; ">I have to say, honestly, no, I'm not satisfied. I'm not happy. I'm not even entirely myself. Sure with my meds my anger has gone way way down. But what about everything else? I never had anxiety so bad in my life before. Yeah I was always morbidly afraid of death. And I even believed that in the black space of my apartment at night there were ghosts lingering. But never did I think the train was going to tip over, or that a drunk driver would come from nowhere and run into me. I wasn't afraid someone would blow the subway up or that a plane would spontaneously fall onto my building. Life was manageable, I think. I know my coping wasn't the best. I've got scars that I had to explain to my boyfriend when we were still getting to know each other. And probably one day I'll have to explain them to my children. How am I going to do that?<br /><br />I use to be an angry girl, yes. I hurt my cat. I broke everything around me. I hurt myself. I turned red, and screamed 'till it hurt. But I had something. I had creativity. There's a quote that says creativity is a mental illness. Aren't all the creative geniuses at least a little mad? I use to write poetry a couple of times a week. I use to come up with these ideas, and create things. I made up a board game, I wrote short stories, and I even started on a novel at one point. I had a happy place. My own LaLa land. I haven't written a poem since I've been on meds. I haven't created anything, and my LaLa land is just not as vivid as it used to be. I use to love the rush as the train passed by me. I liked to feel the wind. It gave me adrenaline. I use to wake up at 9AM and be out of my house by 1. If it was 3:00 and I was still home, it felt like my whole day was over. Summers of drinking quarter waters, sitting on the steps with my best friend and clowning around, screaming, not giving a damn about how anyone perceived me. That was the LIFE.<br /><br />I know - I just<em> know - </em>It's the meds. Prozac, Seroquel, Depakote, Lexapro, Welbutrin, Abilify, they've all silenced me. Sucked out all the creative juices and dried them up. I know. I know, just get off the meds, right? Not so fast buddy. I mentioned to my psychiatrist that I wanted to get off, and she said "No. Absolutely not. That's out of the question. No." So I have this little plan; I'm weaning myself off dear old Lexa little by little. I complained enough about Abilify (it silenced the voices but I was having panic attacks every time I boarded the subway) that she took me off of it. So it's just me and fifty mg's of Lex. (That's because I've cut 'em in half with my trusty dusty pill cutter) I should be cutting that fifty in half soon, taking it for another month, until finally I'm taking nothing. If my psychiatrist finds out, she will have me committed.<br /><br />No more shivering on the train out of fear, no more throwing on just any outfit (I use to put myself together VERY nicely down to the rings, earrings, and cute little belts. My hair had to match the outfit too, or it was all screwed up). No more fucking waking up at four in the afternoon and doing literally nothing all day long. </p><p style="margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; ">I have to take back my life. I'd rather be insane and happy than subdued and sleeping all day long, getting nothing done, hating myself, and pretty much not living. I want to go out and look at something incredible and rush home to create my own little masterpiece. I want to have Ideas flowing through my mind knocking so loud that I can't sleep, that I just have to turn on the light and write out the entire plan. I fucking miss that, you know? I'm fully prepared to deal with the down side - new symptoms like hearing shit that's not there, and fighting the temptation to cut, to smoke. All that other stuff. I'm willing to just learn how to live with it, isn't that why I'm in therapy? </p><p style="margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; ">People in my life think because I'm tiny and don't make any sense that they have to take over for me and make decisions for me. But I'm perfectly capable. I know when I need help, I know when to ask for that help. No, if I ever want to move out of mami's house and raise a family, I've got to start taking control right now.<br /><br />It's your life, kid. What are you gonna do?</p><div><br /></div></span>Entity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-35739216716068817812009-06-04T16:52:00.000-07:002013-03-10T18:54:39.543-07:00Not an ObituaryWhy did he do it?<br />
<br />
I hate him for it.<br />
<br />
Maybe that makes me horrible, but I do. I am so pissed at him.Entity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-28963719275286585892008-10-05T11:19:00.000-07:002008-10-05T11:27:29.481-07:00To Whom It May Concern:Blinded eyes swimming in a sea black as tar<br />No reason to turn when you're left in the dark<br />As the prophecy states, you will pay for the sins of those before you<br />Creul and unusual, I know<br />What once filled you up was stolen in the blink of an eye. Maybe faster.<br />It's hollow to say the least<br />And dart after dart piercing where there's still feeling left<br />Happiness is fleeting<br />A mere fish hook<br />The Devil's bait<br />How it enslaves you<br />A lush for sweet sweet poison<br />Far worse than the damage crank would cause<br />Pure, love is, 'till they breathe their bitter rancid breath on it<br />Like new fallen snow violated by feet.<br />Inevitable<br />Forever does not exist for us<br />To 'be' dead<br />Impossible<br />Can't 'be' anything if you're extinct.<br />And what is instinct for if we cannot escape death?<br />We're not here for a reason. We're just here. And then we expire.<br />Karma.<br />Yet another lie.<br />Bad is bound to happen.<br />Happiness is fleeting<br />for it disturbs the natural order of things.<br />Happiness is fleeting<br />And life is a<br />jokeEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-12996949761172566902008-08-05T18:53:00.001-07:002008-08-05T19:37:45.228-07:00Don't GoHelplessly screamed out for the reasons of such<br />torture<br />Begging that it wasn't time<br /><br />But she couldn't hear the cries through the noise of the crimson<br />waterfall<br /><br />And the sharpness of the pitch black room mocked her<br />while she held out a small light<br />to focus on the task at hand<br /><br />The sound of the Earth spinning on its axis<br />becomes amplified<br />She finally hears and recognizes the voice<br />yelling<br />'NO!' is her own soul<br /><br />But by then<br />The light is outEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-55055609466893261212008-08-04T22:29:00.001-07:002008-08-04T22:29:47.110-07:00VacantIt should come as no surprise<br />I never said forever<br />And you made no promises<br /><br />It was short lived, so I guess I'm<br /><br />Overreacting<br />But then again<br />Isn't that was girls do?<br /><br />We were both nervous, despite the<br />comfort<br />we had in sharing personal information<br />But I went in with hopes that I finally got it right<br />And you went in with caution, so as not to repeat past outcomes<br />It was a risk for both of us<br /><br />Those days are gone;<br />feeling giddy<br />The random public smiles at the thought of you<br />Did you ever get those?<br /><br />This situation wasn't so black and white<br />I attempt to accept the terms.<br />And I don't bother speaking to you<br />That would be pointless, since I know what your response will be<br /><br />And as far as your lack of something to say<br />I hear you loud and clearEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-32238998443602279472008-07-04T13:37:00.001-07:002008-07-04T13:39:31.659-07:00Coming Of AgeAt night when you cry<br />Making sure you're quiet<br />So you don't have to tell anyone why<br />Think of me<br />When you're walking down the street<br />Phone in one hand, mp3 in the other<br />'cause you wouldn't know where to put your hands<br />When your eyes stare blankly ahead<br />Burning as your peers come into view<br />Remember I've been there<br />I made it<br />And you will tooEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-7688930803179594552008-07-04T13:31:00.000-07:002008-07-04T13:32:19.741-07:00GoneYou looked<br />An awful lot like me<br />But I couldn't ask you<br />I could only<br />Hit you<br />The world became<br />Animated.<br />I was outside myself<br />Millions of blades beneath my skin threatened to knock me over<br />Not quite killing me, as, that was my job<br />And closing my eyes, coming into you<br />Did not help, but only elevated the feeling.<br />That is when I called upon someone<br />I did not believe in<br /><br />But of course that wouldn't work<br />This was punishment for what I'd done<br />Though every pull was like candy<br />Every breath I drew in to make sure<br />It really got up to my brain<br />And when I held the Roach<br />Pulling in more for each deadly sin<br />Lust<br />Envy<br />Pride<br />Wrath<br />Gluttony<br />Greed<br />Sloth<br /><br />You just watched<br />Because as inexperienced as i was<br />I insisted I could handle it<br /><br />Through the doom I felt<br />I was dying<br />And my tongue<br />Not moving fast enough<br />I tried<br />High as I was<br />To Justify<br />Unjustifiable things<br />Because that's what you do<br /><br />You Stuck with me<br />Till the doom drifted off<br />Till it started feeling good<br />And yeah<br />I'd do it againEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-49456121917752238732008-05-23T11:52:00.000-07:002008-05-23T11:53:57.261-07:00Was it a dream?I guess i never gave myself time to grieve<br />'cause when it happened it happened so unexpectedly<br />It wasn't real it couldn't be<br />so I had to laugh it off<br />there was no way this wasn't all just a dream<br />cause I remember clear as day<br />the way you took my breathe away<br />and just like that you were gone this wasn't part of the plan<br />silly me believing it meant something when you squeezed my hand<br />you gave me more than butterflies you gave me full attacks<br />my mind was gone, my heart was yours and my body rejected love<br />but i didn't care I needed to be a part of<br />you and your world, and your story<br />and mostly i needed for you to need me<br />i knew that no one could make you happy<br />the way I could<br />and I hope she knows shes lucky<br />cause now I'm a mess<br />so shocked not one tear<br />seems like i don't care<br />but if you only knew<br />what it feels like to have the wind knocked out of you....Entity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-64901830952635946942008-04-22T04:57:00.000-07:002008-04-22T05:04:40.950-07:00It's About TimeStarted out friends 'cause we shared the same enemy<br />Thought that you were being such a great friend to me<br />It was us against the world and we had a blast<br />Always said if the cops came, we would be too fast<br />Never had a chance to test it though, all that's in the past<br />I decided I didn't want that life anymore<br />You decided I was a bad friend and walked out the door<br /><br />The enemy is defeated now, so we've grown apart<br />Nothing left to say, but I'll keep you in my heart<br /><br />It's about time I get independent and stand on my own two<br />Stop bein frustrated you'll never understand what it's like to be in my shoes<br />It's about time I go and do my own thing<br />Open up my eyes more, you never know what life will bring<br /><br />You bring out the part of me that you most despise<br />Made me think I was the wrong one so I hid in a disguise<br />Well all the times you left me alone, I'd look up at the sky<br />Talking to God trying to figure out 'whats wrong with this guy?'<br />'cause In the back of my mind, knew it couldn't have been me<br />I gave us my all, always wanted you to be happy<br />Tried to make you understand, but all you did is call me crazy<br />Sometimes I wanna be like you, walk around like nothing can faze me<br /><br />The end of us is so much different than the start<br />Nothing left to say now, But I'll keep you in my heart<br /><br />It's about time I get independent and stand on my own two<br />Stop bein frustrated you'll never understand what it's like to be in my shoes<br />It's about time I go and do my own thing<br />Open up my eyes more, you never know what life will bring<br /><br />All the mistakes I've made as I've gotten older<br />And all I got was the world on my shoulders<br />So I'm taking a load off and I'm starting to move on<br />All the chances life gave me, don't want them all gone<br />So I'm using this one for real and I got my head straight<br />Doing what I never thought I could, creating my own fate<br /><br />And it's about time...Entity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-53705682912263629082008-04-22T04:45:00.001-07:002008-04-22T04:50:43.465-07:00There Was Silence(Every girl is born in a pure white dress it's called innocence)<br />Her lips quiver. And her eyes grow teary<br />Head now aching, trying to shake the memory<br />She's feeling overwhelmed by a river of emotions<br />Hitting so hard, it's more like an explosion<br />She was stubborn, ain't wanna be walked, wanted to be on her own<br />'Till she realized independence made her feel so alone<br />All of a sudden, she felt someone grab her by the hair<br />It was a monstrous octopus hands flying everywhere<br />Violating her, tattering her white gown<br />Forever turning the angels precious smile into a frown<br />It was happening right in the middle of town<br />Though the streets were full it seemed no one was around<br />What was going on, it all started so fast<br />Inside her head, girl prayed it wouldn't last<br />Even after it was over, she knew she had to say something<br />She opened her mouth to speak -<br />But there was nothingEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-71845275428685494362008-04-22T04:37:00.001-07:002008-04-22T04:41:48.248-07:00This is MeI be the girl with the cocky model - like swagger<br />Look through the corner of my eyes you mistake it for a dagger<br />Won't let you in my biz, you confuse it with deceit<br />Bow legged stance, confidence you mix with conceit<br />Chandeliers hanging from my ears in addition to the things I've listed<br />You don't know me, don't judge me, and don't get it twisted<br /><br />It seems that nowadays<br />the sidewalks are my runways<br />People here to criticize<br />Never caring what's behind my eyes<br />They only know what they heard<br />And spread the word, those little birds<br />What they say makes me look bad<br />It used to make me so sad<br />But that was then, though<br />And now I'm lovin it, so<br /><br />If the streets is the catwalk so ya'll can stare and judge me<br />Then I'll strut my stuff gracefully<br />I'm a drama queen, good or bad, I simply love attention<br />And just like they say, My name is the one they like to mentionEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-67581531689314273452008-04-22T04:06:00.000-07:002008-08-05T19:10:12.022-07:00Deadly SinThat <span style="font-weight: bold;">fire</span> That ignites, it burns in my chest<br />My <span style="font-weight: bold;">Heart</span> engulfed in flames, can't put this to rest<br />It <span style="font-weight: bold;">boils</span> up my blood, bubbling through the vein<br />Can't <span style="font-weight: bold;">touch </span>me anymore I've been brought up in pain<br />The <span style="font-weight: bold;">heat </span>being released through furried eyes<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Innocence</span> being conquered, no one hears the cries<br />Finger tips <span style="font-weight: bold;">tingle</span> with the urge to react<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Everything </span>will explode. Nothing in tact<br />With <span style="font-weight: bold;">nerves</span> melted off, one can no longer feel<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dying</span> from my own demon, I watch my skin peel<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Escaping</span> the inside, now burning the shell<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Leaving</span> a tortured soul to go off and dwellEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-50843751103999380592008-04-22T03:40:00.000-07:002008-04-22T04:05:34.731-07:00CuriousJust to feel his Touch<br />How does he Taste?<br />How does he Smell?<br />How does His heart beat?<br />His Voice sound?<br /><br />I must know<br />Just to Feel him<br />Hear his Voice<br />Call my Name<br /><br />I want to know His story<br />And I want<br />Him <br />To know Mine<br /><br />I want to give Us<br />A try<br />I want to experience <br />Life With him<br />I want to know<br />What it would be like<br />For our Hearts<br />To beat in unisonEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-68363279593024966012008-04-22T01:33:00.000-07:002008-04-22T01:36:04.300-07:00Not This TimeI say yes, you say no<br />I say stay, so out of spite, you go<br />For a while I could not figure you out<br />But now I'm smart, I know what you're all about<br />Now I want you gone, but you wanna stay<br />So I'll tell you never leave, and sure enough, you'll walk away<br />You thought you could fool me but the tables have turned<br />You should have known sooner or later you would get burned<br />And you're so foolish, you don't know I'm talking about You<br />Well I'm just glad you're gone with all the bull I went throughEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-18946049297937721152008-04-22T01:30:00.001-07:002008-04-22T01:30:43.970-07:00Found Myself (Needing You)I found myself needing someone to call at around 12 midnight<br /> While Laying on my bed by the window feeling the breeze under the moonlight<br /> I found myself needing someone to spend all my time with when no one else is there<br /> I found myself needing someone to hold me while I cry when no one else cares<br /> I found myself needing to be treated like a queen<br /> Needing you to wrap your arms around me<br /> I found myself needing someone to call my boo<br /> I found myself needing love. I found myself needing you<br /><br /> We been friends for a long time. Always have fun together<br /> Forever coming up with things to do. Even in the worst weather<br /> Remember the time we were cooped up in my house all day<br /> We played video games, and you couldn't get your way;<br /> I won, and you wrestled me. We started to play fight<br /> Then I ate ice cream, and we watched TV for the rest of the night<br /> I could've kissed you then, but I didn't think it would be right<br /> I didn't want to ruin the friendship, 'cause we so tight<br /> <br /><br /> Remember the time we walked all the way to the park, stayed there after dark, then it poured rain<br /> I said I liked it, but we couldn't stay, and we ain't have money, so we hopped the train<br /> I always knew I had to tell you, but I didn't know how<br /> I been having these feelings for a while now<br /><br /> Just thought I should let you know how I feel<br /> I know we joked about dating, but this time I'm for real<br /> I don't want to pressure you, just thought you should know<br /> So tell me if I should keep these feelings, or should I let it go<br /> Maybe we should talk about the possibilities of you being my man<br /> I know you must be busy now, so call me when you can.Entity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-14466904865030596322008-04-22T01:23:00.001-07:002008-04-22T01:23:25.638-07:00Best FriendsYou ain't even know he existed<br />Till I said I was into him<br />He ain't even know your name<br />Till you made your move and played the game<br />Now I see him pushing you on the swings<br />And it's a shame because before everything<br /><br />You were my best friend<br />Down to ride till the very end<br />You were my best girl<br />I was your diamond, you was my pearl<br />We were like sisters<br />Until you stole my mister<br /><br />I told you how I wanted to be his<br />Should not have told you any of my biz<br />'cause now I'm sitting here all alone<br />Even had to disconnect my phone<br />Don't even give me that crap on how you liked him before<br />I really don't wanna hear anymore<br /><br />You were my best friend<br />Down to ride till the very end<br />You were my best girl<br />I was your diamond,you was my pearl<br />We were like sisters<br />Until you stole my mister<br /><br />I can't believe you did me wrong<br />Even played him that love sing<br />I can't believe how I trusted you<br />And look what you go and do<br />Now I seen him give you that ring<br />And it's a shame because before everything<br /><br />You were my best friend<br />Down to ride till the very end<br />You were my best girl<br />I was your diamond, you was my pearl<br />We were like sisters<br />Until you stole my mister<br /><br />We ain't best friends<br />No more, that's the end<br />You betrayed me, girl<br />Turned out a fake pearl<br /><br />Don't even give me that crap on how you liked him before<br />I really don't wanna hear anymore<br /><br />I'm a diamond in the ruff<br />Now you crawlin' back, well tough<br />No longer my best girl<br />Ima be stronger now<br />I don't need you anyhow<br />Now he wants back the ring<br />You alone, too, but before everything<br />You were my best friend<br />Down to ride till the very end<br />You were my best girl<br />I was your diamond, you was my pearl<br />We were like sisters<br />All until you stole my misterEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-78650838391714641872008-04-22T01:21:00.001-07:002008-04-22T01:21:31.567-07:00World War ThreeEverybody said you guys are perfect together<br />On the surface it looked like things couldn't get any better<br />But you know things with him are either black or white<br />Either you're laughing it up, or you're in a fight<br />Things are never just OK between you two<br />But you're too afraid to tell him that you're through<br />Afraid that he might go crazy or even stalk you<br />I mean it's looking like world war three up in your house<br />It's almost hard to believe he's your spouse<br />How could you say to me that you in love with that guy?<br />If he loved you, he wouldn't give you a black eye<br />If he loved you, he would never try to make you cry<br />If he loved you, he wouldn't nearly make you die<br />Or hold you down, and force you to do things<br />Obcene things, rape you, and later buy you a ring<br />And you always forgive him. It's not worth the pain<br />Him scaring you so you won't leave, threatend to slit his vain<br />Right in your face, he even broke your stuff<br />Just so he could feel big, bad, and tough<br />But I'm not putting the blame on you, 'cause I know that it's rough<br />All the physical, mental, and emotional violence<br />I know your kids would give anything for just a moment of silence<br />They even say you get beat and raped, and the cops ain't even bother<br />I pray to God your son don't end up just like his fatherEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-65170312557419808222008-04-22T01:16:00.001-07:002008-04-22T01:16:36.539-07:00You Don't KnowYou don't know my name. You don't know my face<br />You don't know me. So we will never embrace<br />Even if you knew of me, it wouldn't happen anyway<br />You're above my age, you'd never see me in that way<br />You'd probably see me as a little girl who knows nothing of love<br />And so I always make a wish when I look above<br />I must admire you from afar the way other people do<br />And you may never know how much I really love youEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-64762114927607359762008-04-22T01:14:00.001-07:002008-04-22T01:14:57.545-07:00Ima Do MeI look in the mirror, and can't help but realize<br />my reflection don't show who I really am. You can't even see it in my eyes<br />I heard it so many times; that eyes don't lie<br />but that just can't be true. Lemme tell you why<br />I'm in pain, even when you see me smile<br />and if I do laugh, it only lasts for a little while<br />Ain't a person on this planet that know how I really am<br />People complain they can't trust their friends. At least they got their fam.<br />My family robbed me of my innocence, and put me down<br />Criticize, talk about me, made me feel like a clown<br />Gossip about each other like the people at school<br />Compare me to my cousin, make me hate that fool<br />And it's messed up, coz even your "best friend"<br />Could turn around and betray you at any second<br />And for the people who think what you get is what you see<br />Plain and simple: it's not true. So stop trying to judge me<br />Only god can judge, but I see why they say the things they do<br />I look like a bad person from their point of view<br />Because they only know a bit of it, and half of that ain't even true/<br />so I hear the rumors, those stupid lies<br />Ignore the people grillinâ?? me. Let them criticize<br />I'm not gonna tell them all my business, just so I could be liked by everyone<br />And yeah, sometimes my blood boils, and I wish I had a gun<br />But I can't afford to mess up. I don't wanna lose<br />So I'm happy knowing I could choose<br />My choice is to stay out of trouble, and get out of this place until my engine burn out, Iâ??m stayinâ?? in the race<br />so if you don't love me, leave me alone. It costs you nothing to ignore me<br />I got bigger things to worry about, so I don't want any problems, B<br />Before I went crazy, my daddy hit me with this advice:<br />next time you spend time trying to look nice<br />looks ain't everything. You ain't gotta be cool<br />worry about you, be selfish when it comes to school<br />you wanna do well, so you could be the boss and make all the rules<br />All the haters that wanna hate, forget about them fools<br />So ima listen, and not try to be with the hottest crew<br />I decided ima do ME. And you could do YOUEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-77306574595960278812008-04-22T01:10:00.001-07:002008-04-22T01:10:26.108-07:00The Happiness WithinIf you were me, then you would know.<br />You'd be feeling trapped; Nowhere to go<br />I'm in a room full of people. But sitting alone.<br />Paranoid they're talking about me, I'm still as a stone.<br />I'm looking at my notebook. Not left or right.<br />Wishing, and hoping I'll disappear out of sight.<br />I ask to use the bathroom, and walk into the hall.<br />Wanting, so badly, to knock down a wall.<br />All those people leaving me grieving, and without hope.<br />There's nothing wrong with me, I think I just don't know how to cope.<br />I get into the stall, no tears running down my face.<br />So I pull out the blade from my pocket that I had, just in case<br />But remembering all those people leaving me, and hurting me.<br />My eyes get so blurry, I can't even see.<br />I'm so overwhelmed, I almost want to shout.<br />But I focus, not to let the tears come out.<br />I use the blade to scratch at my skin.<br />All because I couldn't find The Happiness Within.Entity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-53112873529357960572008-04-22T01:08:00.000-07:002008-04-22T01:09:01.156-07:00Wrath (by Entity and Baby D)Mother Fucker, you hurt me so much.<br />I can't believe our lips even touched.<br />You ass, your reputation is being a bitch.<br />Get away from me. Nigga you make me sick.<br />Pussy. You could go suck a dick.<br />Ima kill ya ass, and nothing more could stop me.<br />Keep talking shit, I'll send shots through ya body.<br />I will hurt you so bad, make you feel hell on earth.<br />Make you wish you never left me. See what I'm really worth.<br />You can't deny the shit you did to me.<br />You think you so hard, you swear you a G.<br />When we was together I had to take all the bullshit.<br />Always braggin about the girls you been wit.<br />It's called Karma, how could you be so dumb?<br />Next girl you get wit will play you like drums.Entity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-55923596958567331742008-04-22T01:06:00.000-07:002008-04-22T01:07:18.953-07:00To The One I'm CravingI swear you must be like some kind of drug.<br />I'm a good Girl infatuted with a thug.<br />Sometimes you make me feel so good.<br />Make me forget that you're from the hood.<br />Other times you make me feel so blue.<br />Make me feel I could never be with you.<br />And then I hate that I'm in love with you.<br />I go crazy, don't know what to do.<br />This is how you represent my drug<br />And make me wanna be your baby Thug<br />First comes the high, I'm crazy in love<br />I Feel like I could reach the star above.<br />You act like you're so into me.<br />You wanna show me to ecstasy<br />When I speak, you wanna listen<br />You look at my face, your eyes just glisten<br />You go from wispering sweet things in my ear.<br />To ignoring me. What's going on here?<br />Then comes the crash, you don't seem to know me.<br />Pass by me like nothing, like you can't see.<br />I'm yearning for your love so bad.<br />But I stay quiet, stay being sad.<br />Because you seem to love another girl.<br />Talk about her like she's your world.<br />I'm so confused, boy, what went wrong?<br />I thought our feelings were burning strong.<br />Now there's a tense silence between us.<br />Got me tryin so hard not to cuss<br />Spazzin out, making a fuss<br />And that would be the hangover<br />I know better, still, I do the thing over.<br />I'm addicted, your swagger, your style.<br />You're sense of humor, scent, and your smile<br />Makes your loving really worth my while<br />You make my problems seem to lift away<br />I'm crazy about it, I need you to stay<br />But there's a crash after the high<br />Where to you, I don't exist, or maybe you're shy<br />And there's no hug, 'hi' or 'goodbye'<br />This is how you represent my drug<br />Signed, with love, from your baby thug.Entity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3346254270075510853.post-56330645781515069922008-04-22T01:04:00.001-07:002008-04-22T01:04:28.754-07:00Because of You (by Entity and Sway)Non existent is my relationship with you<br />You're screwed up, and you screwed me up, too<br />It feels like I'm carrying boulders<br />cause you put the world on my shoulders<br />You can't even own up to your own mistakes<br />You lie, you steal, you are such a fake<br />The only time we talk is when we fight or you want something<br />But you never there for me, so you<br />getting nothing<br />Because of you, I can't trust myself<br />Let alone trust anyone else<br />What you think, I'm naive, and I can't see<br />That you be neglecting, and using me?<br />Why do you have to be this way<br />Don't you have anything better to say<br />Is it too much to ask?<br />Too big of a task?<br />I think of all the pain<br />And wonder if I'm sane<br />I reminisce on all the problems I've gone through<br />And then I realize it was all because of youEntity.Smokeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03078203334999055033noreply@blogger.com0